Late December 2019, my husband and I joyfully found out I was pregnant with our first child. It was the day before we’d be traveling to visit our families for the holidays and we were over the moon to share the news with our closest relatives over Christmas and the New Year. Looking back now, I feel a sense of naiveté with our only stressor at the time being: Are we sure it’s not too early to share the news?
Little did we know a novel coronavirus had mutated and made the fateful leap to humans, and as a result a worldwide pandemic was on its way to the US. Had we known, would we have postponed trying to conceive? Hard to say, but probably not. Even if we had known the virus would sweep across the world in a way many of us had never before experienced, it would have been impossible to imagine the extent of the adversity we’d actually be facing. How could we have imagined such a thing? This is the first time many of us are living through something this far out of our comfort zone.
We are all coping in different ways and our perspectives are so far ranging, but if you can, try throwing pregnancy into the equation. Expecting mamas, you feel me? I went from a state of enjoying pregnancy bliss, chatting everyday with my Mom about baby shower plans, wondering when my belly was going to “pop,” and researching potential baby-moon destinations with my husband, to having a full-on zombie apocalypse and “THIS IS THE END” mentality.
Our state officially issued a stay at home order beginning on March 26th; however, we’ve been living in isolation mode since the second week of March when the W.H.O. declared COVID-19 a pandemic. The only events that are getting us out of the house are daily walks, scheduled prenatal appointments (one of which has already been cancelled due to its “non-essential” nature … sorry, week 24!), and grocery store runs. Luckily, we had just run out of toilet paper right before the Rona hit, so I had recently purchased a hefty package from Costco before we all collectively lost our minds and began valuing toilet paper more than gold or food. My husband and I did some stocking up on provisions – grabbed a few canned and dried goods, you know, just in case (the reality is, our food stores would probably only feed us for approximately 2.5 days - if there is going to be a food shortage, wish us luck). Panic is contagious, and it surely got the best of this mama-to-be.
This article is not to share any newfound information I might have regarding the actual virus, its effects on pregnant women, or their growing babes. If you need that information, the CDC is updating its website as officials collect more and more data regarding pregnancy in relation to COVID-19. What I want to share is how the Coronavirus is affecting me personally, from a mental, psychological, and physical standpoint, as well as what I’ve been able to do to overcome bouts of anxiety and stress.
During my entire pregnancy up until about 15-16 weeks, I was walking or running daily, as well as supplementing my outdoor activity with about a 30-minute weight workout session at home. Once the virus made its way across the seas to eagerly meet both of our coasts and large cities across the nation, I could physically feel my body tense up, as well as let my mind slide into the darkest of dark places and worst-case scenarios. I didn’t want to do anything. I stopped going outside for walks and runs unless my husband accompanied me. I didn’t want to be anywhere by myself. All of this stemmed from fear. I was living in complete fear. I continued to work out at home, but even that was a struggle. I would wait until the last possible minute to grudgingly squeeze in a workout just before dinner.
I found myself waking up later and later in the morning, because who wants to be awake during a pandemic? All I prayed, wished, and meditated for each night, was that upon waking up the next morning, I’d realize this was all just a terrible dream.
I read ALL of the articles, whether they came from reputable sources or the rinky-dink blog claiming that we’re “literally all going to die.”
My journaling came to a screeching halt. I had been writing most nights about my pregnancy, my feelings toward being a first-time mother, my symptoms, my love for my husband and my baby, and finishing off every entry with three things for which I am grateful.
So where am I now? Four weeks into the W.H.O. declaring COVID-19 a pandemic, 6 weeks into social distancing, and 20 weeks pregnant.
Halfway to my delivery date, and I am feeling much better than I was 4-6 weeks ago. I feel as though I have a better handle on my emotions, and although I still have moments of doubt, stress and anxiety, it’s no longer all-consuming. I have gotten into a much better groove the last two weeks, a new normal, so to say. Here is what I’ve done differently to get back to feeling more like my bubbly pregnant self, where I find myself dancing around the house rubbing my belly and singing “I loooove you, baby”:
1. I stopped reading every article I could find. I have limited myself to reputable sources, and not too many of them. I read the CDC and NPR’s websites, listen to my doctor and ask her questions as they arise. I listen to NPR if I have to drive anywhere. Mamas, utilize your doctors, midwives, doulas, etc. They are part of our pregnancy support system now in a way that we never imagined they would be.
2. I started writing again. My first journal entry back, I wondered if I should note why I haven’t been writing for the past four weeks and concluded that, even though there is a void, a space in time in my journal, the emptiness is meaningful in its own way. A symbol of struggle, renewal, and growth. Try taking up your (healthy) pre-COVID habits once again to bring you back to a sense of normalcy.
3. I conquered my fears of being outside by myself. I began walking again and, my, does the Colorado sunshine feel great! Get some fresh air, even if it’s just going for a short walk around your neighborhood.
4. I have continued to express my feelings and my worries with my husband, my friends, and my family. If you can, use technology to connect with your loved ones. They are another vital piece of our support system and our community; we just had to find new ways to connect with them.
5. I realized we are not going to be in this situation forever. If I find myself worrying about when this will be over, that usually leads to me hopping down a rabbit hole of terrible thoughts. I catch myself, focus on my breath, and affirm to myself that this surely will not last forever. I am releasing expectations that things must go back to what we formerly knew as normal, because they may not, and that is okay. Change is okay; change is good. And hopefully things will change for the BEST worldwide in regards to preventative measures for future viruses, humanity as a whole, air pollution, and the realization that showing compassion to not only ourselves, but also to others, is key. Lean into your faith, the power of meditation, and prayer to help guide you back to a calmer state of mind, and BELIEVE we will all be out of this sooner than we realize.
6. I began acknowledging things that are out of my control and changing my response to them. I am hopeful that with 20 weeks left to go in my pregnancy, there is a much better understanding of this virus than where we’re currently at. I am realizing (and accepting) there is a chance that many things might not go as planned, such as: 1. My birth plan, 2. My husband potentially not being able to be with me in delivery, 3. The fact that if I happen to contract COVID-19 close to my delivery date, my baby and I may be separated at birth for a quarantine of 14 days, which will result in no skin-to-skin contact, no breast feeding, and no bonding. I am actively practicing my response to these potential realities by acknowledging them and affirming to myself that no matter what happens, my little family and I will make it through. Practice makes progress. Life, COVID-19 or no, is a daily practice, one we have the opportunity to consciously better ourselves. Realize your potential and how much YOU can accomplish. If your birthing plan is what’s on your mind, and if your partner is not able to join you in delivery, remember that you’re not alone … your little babe is right there with you the entire time.
I won’t say that any of these methods are easy and come naturally to me. Navigating through pregnancy during a pandemic is not a piece of cake (did somebody say cake?), but it is a constant practice. It is a chance for me to better myself, to spend more time meditating and in prayer, to take this as an opportunity to slow down and connect with my husband, our home, and this life that we’ve built, especially as we prepare to bring our own beautiful, tiny miracle earth-side.
xo, Jamie